Conflicting agendas
“Israel was amazing, but...”
Since I returned to the U.S. nearly a month ago, that’s what I’ve found myself telling people who ask me how my Birthright trip went.
Don’t get me wrong: I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. I loved the people, I felt an amazing connection to the land, and I feel more Jewishly connected than ever. For the first time in my life, I can say with absolute certainty how I define myself as a Jew. That’s no small accomplishment.
But I would be foolish to think that any organization would, without an agenda, send young Jews to Israel free of charge. For Mayanot, my provider, that agenda was twofold: Connect young adults to Eretz Yisrael and marry Jewish, marry Jewish, marry Jewish.
For the record, I’m not marrying Jewish. I will, however, raise my children Jewish (“My first Christmas,” Jewish News, Jan. 7).
I understand the divisiveness of the intermarriage issue within the Jewish community. Let’s leave the debate about whether I’m fulfilling my responsibility to further the Jewish people for another day. I’m happy to have that conversation with anyone and everyone who might want to discuss it. I would hope, however, that any stranger, acquaintance or friend — any person who I’ve only known for a matter of days — would have the decency to wait for me to approach them with such a personal, sensitive subject, and not the other way around.
While in Israel, I was not extended that courtesy by Mayanot. More insulting, when I was approached, it was done as if I hadn’t put 10 minutes of thought into the subject, when in reality, I’d agonized over it daily for the better part of a year.
Littered among these unsolicited talks were lectures about how the Judaism is the only religion in the world that is decreasing in population. These were often followed by an explanation about how a child can’t be born Jewish if the mother isn’t Jewish.
There were quite a few people on my trip, born to Jewish mothers, who, even after 10 days in Israel, don’t know aleph from bet, kosher from tref, crackers from matzah. My future children will have a bris or simchat bat, go to religious school, become b’nai mitzvah, get involved with Jewish youth groups and hopefully, one day, make it to Israel. Yet some will consider them less Jewish than those who know nothing about their roots, but happen to have a Jewish mother. Others won’t consider them Jewish at all.
If we’re so worried about our shrinking population, this all seems, to put it nicely, counterproductive.
As a Jew, there’s nothing that frustrates me more — or that’s more marginalizing to our community — than Jews telling other Jews that they’re not Jewish. A free trip to Israel will never change that.
So, yeah, Israel was amazing, but...
01 Mar, 2011 >
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Hi Josh, I read this article in this week's J news. Firstly, as a committed and engaged Jew, I have no doubt that you have thought this through, and that you are dating a lovely person, Jewish or not. I am sure that you also have the best intentions regarding how your children will be raised. Now there's some food for thought: Even in this very modern world, mothers (even working mothers, I should know), end up doing most of the child rearing, and by that, apart from the basic care, I mean the planning of children's education, activities, etc. There are exceptions, but they are just that. Plus they also plan and at least oversee the execution of Jewish holidays, in other words, 9 times out of 10, they will ensure that the holidays actually happen. And as you may know, if you don't work in a Jewish environment, these holidays are a huge strain in the workplace because no one else around you is observing them, and they always seem to happen at a bad time. Once you have children, the functioning of your household will be complex, you will both be overextended, and it will take extra time, commitment, and money to raise your children as Jews. My point is that it is very hard to raise children as committed Jews when both parents are Jewish, so you should expect it to be much harder if only one parent truly cares. Not hoping to change your mind (this would be very foolish), just hoping to add to your internal dialogue. Best wishes to you.
Carole Baaskin - 07 Mar, 2011 - 08:14:18
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Hi Josh,
A very interesting article. I intermarried, but I am now inmarried - to the same woman. When I married, the thought of my wife becoming Jewish was, I can assure you without meeting your wife, much further away from my wife's mind than it likely is from your wife's (see my wife's article: http://www.aish.com/jw/s/10...)
At the time I first married, and for some time afterward, had a program in Israel or elsewhere approached me about intermarriage the way you were approached, I would have had exactly the same reaction as you did.
Having said that, I find it interesting that you do not mention your wife once in the article. I'm assuming she is on board with your decisions about how to raise your children - or better, that they are shared decisions. It is true that there are some children of two Jewish parents who are not Jewishly knowledgeable or committed, and there are some of one Jewish parent (and sometimes of a Jewish father, where Jewish law would not consider the child to be Jewish) who are very Jewishly engaged. However, statistically the trends are undeniably clear - it is simply far more likely that a child in a two-Jewish-parent home become a committed Jew than in a one-Jewish-parent home. Regardless of the many exceptions, these are the basic facts on the ground.
Again, I'm not saying it's impossible, and I'm certainly not judging your marriage decision - especially since I initially made the same decision. But having been literally on both sides of the fence, I can say that, beyond what a parent does Jewishly, a child's religious identity is very connected to their parents' identity. Something to think about - and again, you don't mention your wife - but if she is willing to raise the children unambiguously Jewish, if she really wants that for her children, then might it be something she might want for herself someday? I emphasize "someday" - life is a process.
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